When the kids went back to school this year I looked at my week, my schedule, my days and started to make a plan for filling my time. There were projects to do, meetings, a class to attend, volunteering at the school, and a house to keep clean. But I knew there would be a lot of quiet time at home, by myself. I also knew that interspersed with my to-do list I needed/wanted opportunities for social interaction during the week.
So I brainstormed . . . . Meeting for lunch? Mom field trips to fun spots in the valley? A morning hike at Red Rock? Getting together to craft, cook, project life (so fun!), etc.? I'll tell you right now that I have LOTS of ideas for fun things to do with girlfriends while the kids are in school. Lots. (And I'm not talking about playing all the time . . maybe just once a month.) The tricky part is finding people who have the same flexibility (and interests) that I do. And finding the bravery to ask.
(See. A sure sign of too much quiet time . . . a series of selfies in front of the mirror.)
Then, one day I heard about a group of moms who are getting together weekly for a playgroup at the park. At first I thought, "oh how fun for them!" But then my heart sank because I realized that I am not in that group. Even though many of those women are my exact same age, I don't have a ticket to playgroup.
I remember being in that group . . . . we would meet weekly at the church to let the kids run around the gym (the park isn't always a good choice in rainy Oregon). It was during those weekly playgroups that we talked about what was going on in our day to day lives. During playgroup we planned girl's night outs, group dates, outings & activities, etc. It was the social hub.
And now, I'm missing out on all those conversations. And plans. And connections.
Suddenly, I felt like the middle-aged mom. (seriously!) You see her there and she seems to have such a nice family, her kids are older & busy with activities and they look well-behaved, you say hi and smile when you pass by, she's friendly and nice and supportive and has kind things to say, you might ask her for a recipe or advice on how to cut your kids' hair or ideas for holiday traditions . . . . . . She's there but -- at a distance. Out of the circle (and out of the loop). I know this well because there were several "middle-aged moms" that I looked at this way when I was a "young mom". And now the roles are beginning to feel reversed.
Basically, I felt kinda bad about it for a couple days.
A few weeks later I came across a blog post that beautifully and simply clarified thoughts I have had in the past.
Read it here, it's pretty short: In front of you, behind, and on either side
It was a good reminder that I shouldn't get "stuck" looking for friends who are in my exact demographic. I feel like I have been doing a good job of branching out and getting to know people older and younger than me, but for whatever reason the playgroup idea hit a tender nerve.
As I look far in front of me . . . there are a wealth of wonderful ladies in my church who offer a kind of friendship that is just so special. I love Inez, who greets me at the chapel doors each Sunday with a program in hand. She has the sweetest voice, smile, and hello. I can't help but hug her each week. Judy, teaches Anna's primary class with that special touch of love & caring that only a grandmother can give. I want to come to her class too! Phyllis, Mary Anne, Gerry, Jennifer, LaRee, Mary, . . . the list could go on.
As I look a few steps in front of me . . . there are the ladies with their youngest children in middle/high school. I so appreciate their advice and support and cheerfulness. These are the ladies that I would love to spend lunch with, just to listen to their stories and the stuff they've experienced in life so that I could glean a few tricks & tips from them. Remember when you were a kid and you just wanted to sit with the adults and listen to their conversations? That's still me.
As I look behind me . . . I think about how much I would have loved to have an "older" friend as I was starting out as a newlywed or new mom. At that time I looked at some of these put-together women and imagined how great it would be to be her friend and learn from her. So I try to keep that thought in mind as I initiate conversations, invite, and include.
So the moral of the story (or blog post) is . . . .
- Life changes. As we leave the familiar we are sometimes forced to get creative in order to fill the holes.
- Don't limit yourself. Who knows where you might discover a new friend?
- Give and receive. It may feel odd to think about being a mentor ("and now I'm going to teach you . . . "), but I'm sure there is someone out there who needs what only you can give. At the same time be open to learning from others.
- Old ladies are my favorite.
This Sunday we arrived at church and sat down in our usual row. An elderly lady in front of us turned around, smiled, and then did a double-take, "Oh! I know you!" Love it.