find joy in the journey

I would tell you

Mom, if I called you today I would tell you. . . 

. . . .  that Conner had a really cool choir performance at the Flamingo last night.  They got to open for Legends in Concert.  It's the same theater where Donny & Marie do their show.  I remember when you and dad went to that show and how much you loved it.  Scott and I had seats at a table with 2 other couples that spoke French!

. . . Anna is nearly as tall as I am!  Can you believe it?!  She has grown at least an inch since her birthday in September.  She is taller than all of her friends.  As a high schooler, you knew what that felt like!  Although, I think her growth spurt came sooner than yours.  She loves it and is hoping that she can make it to 5'9" to maximize her goalie performance. I tell her that might be a little too tall. :)

. . . Payton was so sad when I came home from the grocery store today without any egg nog.  I had completely forgot!  I usually keep the fridge stocked with nog all December because that boy loves the stuff.  He's got nog running through his veins!

. . . We have our Christmas tree up, but I haven't pulled out the decorations yet.  I'm excited to pull out the ornaments you got for me last year.  Unpacking those decorations is going to be tough -- so many of them were gifts & little just-because surprises from you. I remember sitting at your dining table last year, shopping for some Christmas items for your home from Terrain and you told me to pick out a new ornament for myself. I was fine with just one, but you insisted that I get the two that matched.  Then, another day we visited all your favorite shops in Turlock and you made sure I picked out a new Christmas decoration for my house.  You always gave me something new to add to my Christmas decorations each year.  It's just another hard thing - to know that that won't happen anymore.  Maybe I'll buy myself something new and tell myself that it came from you.  Is that okay?

. . . I keep thinking about having a small Christmas gathering.  Still thinking, gathering ideas, and making sure I have the bandwidth to make it happen.  "A Morning of Merrymaking" . . . does that sound cute?  We'll see.  I haven't sent any invites or made firm plans - still up in the air but I need to decide yes/no soon!

. . . I found a super cute idea that I'm going to share with the ladies I visit teach.  The Small Seed has a fun printable that you can download -- it includes a giant Christmas tree and ornaments with daily scriptures from the Light the World initiative that you can "hang" on the tree each day.  They also have printable star ornaments for writing your acts of service.  I thought that some of my ladies with little kids would really enjoy that.  I made the copies today -- just need to package it up all cute and deliver before December 1st!  I hope I have some red & white bakers twine laying around here somewhere . . . 

. . . this month has been really hard.  I've been trying to get through it, though, by studying gratitude each day.  I know that's what you would do!  

. . . I wish I was a better support to you when your parents passed away.  But I had no idea.  Living and learning. Living and learning.  I'm sorry.

. . . I have a super sweet friend from Oregon who sent something to me today.  We served in a presidency when Payton was a baby -- remember that night the bishop came over to my house to extend the calling of 2nd counselor in the Relief Society presidency just 12 hours before I was set to go into the hospital to be induced?  You were there, all ready to watch Conner and you were so upset!  (but only once he left - you would never be upset to someone's face - Haha!)  You thought that just wasn't right that they would ask a pregnant woman who was about to pop (literally!) to serve in a calling with such responsibility. Anyways, the super sweet woman that I served with sent me a thick pad of paper that includes quotes from our most recent General Conference.  One a day for the next 6 months -- until we have conference again.  Anyways, this is probably the 3rd-ish time she has sent this to me and it is always such a fun surprise!  I can tell that she chooses and formats the quotes herself -- I love knowing that thought and time and I'm sure prayer went into preparing this.  And I love that she always thinks of me.  I think I might try to share them in my Instagram Stories each day.  Just a quick photo.

. . . I've been working on turning your blog into books.  It's pretty much going to take me . . . .foreverrrrrr.  But that's okay.  I'm enjoying the process.  I converted the first few years into books quite a while ago at your request.  So right now I'm jumping back in at 2009.  Holy cow, back then you used to write every single day!  Sometimes twice a day!  I love looking at the pictures of your gardens, your outings with friends, your house projects, all of the family times, and reading your excitement about all of those things.  I know you always thought that you weren't a great writer, but you've got some pretty awesome golden nuggets in there.  I especially loved this post -- Visual Perfection

"Everyone needs a loving friend to learn from- some guidance & loving wisdom from someone who has been there done that....  I know I still do." - Teresa Andersen

. . . One last thing, if you have access to a magic wand that make things better you are more than welcome to use it anytime!  Just sayin'!

(I stole your picture - hope you don't mind!)

It's been 2 months since my mom passed away.  One of the hardest things, and will continue to be the hardest, is not having a mom that I can call up on the phone and chat with & feel supported by.  To share all the big & little things, to get advice & ideas, to just talk in a way where we completely understand one another, to shoot the breeze when we don't have much to say, to get her unfailing support & encouragement in everything I do, to feel that unconditional love & pride from her like I am the best thing in her life.  All of that.  There's nothing that compares or can compensate for that.  // Here is part of what I would have shared with her today.  Maybe I will share my half of the conversation from time to time.   

miracles

Every fall and spring we spend a weekend watching General Conference.  It is a big deal in our house as we drop everything for 2 days and listen to the talks & counsel from our church leaders.

This fall, when General Conference began it had been just 2 days since mom's passing.  In honesty, I was not in the mood to sit down for 4 hours and watch General Conference.  My mind was all over the place, we were planning the funeral, and I had a talk that needed to be written.

Photo & text created by my Uncle Martel (mom's brother).  He texted this to us on that Saturday.

Sunday came and while it was still a busy day, I got things in order so I could spend an hour to sit down and watch the first half of the morning session before needing to leave.  I had an appointment to go dress mom.

The second speaker that morning was Elder Donald L. Hallstrom.  He told the story of a man who was hiking to the summit of Mount Shasta and suffered a free fall and tumble that left him severely injured. Through miracles they were able to get him off the mountain and despite the incredible injuries to his spinal cord he was given a miraculous prognosis - he would live & return to full function.  Elder Hallstrom met with this man and his wife after the accident and heard first-hand the entire account.

Then Elder Hallstrom shared: 

In pondering the experience of the Fales family, I have thought much about the circumstances of so many others. What about the innumerable faith-filled, priesthood-blessing-receiving, unendingly-prayed-for, covenant-keeping, full-of-hope Latter-day Saints whose miracle never comes? At least in the way they understand a miracle. At least in the way that others appear to receive miracles.

What about those who suffer from profound afflictions—physically, mentally, emotionally—for years or for decades or for their entire mortal life? What about those who die so very young?

I remember when his talk shifted in this direction . . . . I felt like he was speaking directly to us.

We prayed.  We fasted.  There were many priesthood blessings.  We were full of faith and hope.  We kept our covenants. And we did not receive the exact miracle we hoped for.  Mom's healing.

Often we describe a miracle as being healed without a full explanation by medical science or as avoiding catastrophic danger by heeding a clear prompting. However, defining a miracle as “a beneficial event brought about through divine power that mortals do not understand” gives an expanded perspective into matters more eternal in nature. This definition also allows us to contemplate the vital role of faith in the receipt of a miracle.

We were able to recognize that miracles do come in different forms. And my dad beautifully expressed that in a letter that was read at mom's funeral. You can read it here.

A critical question to ponder is “Where do we place our faith?” Is our faith focused on simply wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God the Father and His holy plan and in Jesus the Christ and His Atonement? Faith in the Father and the Son allows us to understand and accept Their will as we prepare for eternity.

Today I testify of miracles. Being a child of God is a miracle. Receiving a body in His image and likeness is a miracle. The gift of a Savior is a miracle.The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle. The potential for eternal life is a miracle.

While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children. No matter our ethnicity, no matter our nationality, no matter what we have done if we repent, no matter what may have been done to us—all of us have equal access to these miracles. We are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead. 

I sat in the tv room with my dad, Scott, and kids, and without a doubt we knew that this talk was for us.  This was an incredible tender mercy, given at just the time that we needed to hear it.

In fact, as soon as the talk ended my dad received a text from mom's good friend Ellen Rowan - "Elder Hallstrom wrote this talk just for you!"

And the tender mercies continued. . . . 

At mom's funeral, one of the speakers was a family friend and now General Authority, Elder Scott Dorius.  In his remarks, he shared that he had actually accompanied Elder Hallstrom the day he visited the Fales family and witnessed their faith & testimony in this miracle.  Wow!  What an amazing coincidence!  He was able to use this experience and Elder Hallstrom's remarks to connect it all back to us.

Elder Hallstrom also quoted an AMAZING talk by Elder Bednar.  This is a talk that I had come across a few weeks earlier, and after arriving at my parent's house all three of us watched it together (on Sunday - my birthday)

Elder David A. Bednar once asked a young man who had requested a priesthood blessing, “If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?” Do we have the faith “not [to] be healed” from our earthly afflictions so we might be healed eternally?

I highly recommend Elder Bednar's talk.  "That We Might 'Not . . . Shrink'" It provides so much perspective and understanding while enduring a hard trial, and to be honest - he challenges your faith.  It's a tough one, but so important at the same time.

* * * * * * * * 

Since that first day in October, I've been listening to 1 or 2 general conference talks each Sunday morning as I get ready for church so that I can catch up on what I missed.  Today, this was the talk that came up in my rotation and I was reminded of how much his words meant to us.  So I wanted to share!  You can read or watch the entire talk right here: Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

**About the photo above . . . it was taken by my Uncle Martel.  He had a routine of texting pictures to my mom everyday. Typically, they were pictures of what he ate for lunch (ha!) but sometimes he would send photos of things that he saw while on his UPS route or hiking or biking. He said, "This is a lake on my route called Yuba.  Once in a while I take a picture and send it to your mom to show her the lake.  The day that I took this picture was the day your mother passed away."  I remember getting this text and being so touched that he took the time to add the lyrics to Be Still, My Soul -- we had just chosen that song to sing at my mom's funeral.  Another tender mercy.  And, I am so grateful that he took the time each day to connect with her in such a simple way -- I know his continual presence was a blessing in her life.

the merry fairy

(I shared this in my Instagram stories back in September. Now I'm recording it here so it can have a life longer than 24 hours)

Very soon after mom's diagnosis last fall she received a package in the mail.  It was full of cheerful things and included a note of encouragement. The note was signed . . . "The Merry Fairy."

Basically, anonymous. But someone with a very sweet and giving heart.

The package came from the same town where mom was receiving her radiation treatments. At first we thought that perhaps mom's name was on a list at the cancer center and some charitable group was taking it upon themselves to send packages of cheer to help patients as they begin this journey.

But then every 6-8 weeks another package would show up, still addressed from the Merry Fairy, and the contents were specific to mom - her likes, interests. In fact, one package included a bag of black licorice for my dad (his favorite) and we knew this was coming from someone with close connections. But they were sneaky . . . 

We looked up the return address . . . it was a tire shop. Another package came from a town 50 miles away. And today's flowers came from the town where my dad does business.  Sneaky right?

Each time a package arrives my parents sit around and rack their brains. Who could it be??? My dad has even accused a few people of being the Merry Fairy. But they all deny it.

We are at a loss. But it is okay . . . 

Because it has brought a spark of joy. Really, each package has been a bright spot over the past year.

Because of the anonymous nature, it's as if everyone gets credit. "Maybe she is the Merry Fairy!  Oh, wait, maybe it's her!"

A few weeks after mom's passing the Merry Fairy struck again!  My dad received a card in the mail which included a gift card to the movie theater and Coldstone, encouraging him to grab a friend and go out & do something.  How thoughtful is that?!!

 

"When was the last time you unselfishly reached out to help another in need? Every time we cheer another's heart, every time we ease another's burden, every time we lift a weary hand, we show our gratitude to that God to whom we owe all that we have and all that we are."  -Joseph B. Wirthlin

grateful for sacred song

"Hymns move us to repentance and good works, build testimony and faith, comfort the weary,
console the mourning, and inspire us to endure to the end."   -Preface, LDS Hymnal

During mom's last week, music was ever present. In the beginning, her room was so quiet so we began playing music through the Amazon Alexa device in their bedroom.  

We played Josh Groban.  A favorite of hers.

And then we played a lot of Paul Cardall.  His piano music is just amazing and soothing.

While Paul played on repeat, two of his pieces stood out to me.

Abide with Me, Tis Eventide

and Life & Death

Each time Abide with Me came on I felt comforted - like Heavenly Father was aware of what we experiencing in those hard & holy moments.

And each time Life and Death played, my spirit stirred with thoughts & feelings of eternity.

 

This month, have been following along with a daily devotional guide, "Seeing God's Hand Through Gratitude" that is available HERE from The Small Seed.  Today I was playing catchup on a few devotionals I missed this week.  One focused on gratitude for sacred song.  It invited me to look up the scripture references for my favorite hymn.  So I did that for Abide with Me; Tis Eventide:

John 24:29-31 - Christ has been crucified and resurrected and meets some of his disciples on the road to Emmaus.  They do not recognize him, but have enjoyed his company and conversation as he expounds the scriptures to them. Before he leaves they stop him.

But they constrained him, saying, Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent, And he went in to tarry with them.

And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them.

And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.

The words of this scripture pierced me.  Certain words connected directly to an experience I had a few weeks ago. And it was one of those moments that I knew it was the Lord's hand in my life.  Leading me. Placing experiences in my path. Helping me connect the dots.  Letting me know He is there.

While getting ready to church this morning I listened to a talk titled, "By Divine Design" by Elder Ronald A Rasband.  He said:

"What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, “I am right here”? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement."

Yes, He is right here. 

Abide with me, 'tis eventide, The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall; The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide. Thy walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn, As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul And kept me near thy side.

O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide, And lone will be the night
If I cannot commune with thee, Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear, Would in my home abide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.

-------------------------

Again, I highly recommend following The Small Seed.  "Your daily dose of faith, hope & inspiration. Reminders that God is real, and that following Him is still what life is all about."

a job offer

In the course of planning mom's funeral we met several times with the funeral director, Mark.  He knew our family well because, for one thing, it's a small community.  Everybody knows everybody, especially when you have lived there for 55+ years like my dad.  In addition to that, Mark handled the funeral arrangements for my grandfather (my dad's dad) 35 years ago.  As well as my grandmother's funeral (my dad's mom) 18 years ago.  

I accompanied my dad to the funeral planning meetings and with my detail-oriented personality I had plenty of specific questions to ask.  And plenty of preferences to share as we opted to take over several services the funeral home would have provided (programs, guestbook, etc.) and tweaked some of the small details of the services to ensure it fit our family.  Mark and I communicated again when it was time to dress mom.  And the day of the funeral we had several short conversations confirming details, the flow & order of things, and dealing with unexpected last minute issues.  He also taught me how to easily pin a boutonniere so I'm pretty stoked to now have that skill!  

(candid photo captured by my sister-in-law, Becca. I had no idea she was taking this picture. But I'm super thankful for it because I'm always the one behind the camera!)

When the graveside service ended he came up to dad and I to say a few things.  Then he turned and looked me straight in the eyes rather intently, and with a serious, investigative tone he said, "Now . . . I need to know what your profession is."

Caught off guard by his question, I smiled and said, "I'm a stay at home mom."

I could tell that was not the answer he was expecting as he showed an air of disbelief.  He continued, "Well, I think you need to be an event planner.  Or better yet, I need you to come work for me."

We all laughed and my dad commented that he loved that idea if it meant he could get me closer.

After our stay at the cabin last weekend, I remained in California for a few days with my dad while the rest of my family went home.  We met with Mark again, briefly, to discuss mom's headstone.  In parting, he mentioned that job offer again and to dad said, "Dan, what can you do to get her to move here and work for me?"  My dad laughed and said that if he knew a way, he would do it.

It's not everyday that you get a job offer in a funeral home.  Twice.  :)

We super loved Mark and he was so great to work with.  It makes me happy to think of all the people in our small community that he has served & lead through this tough process over the past 35 years.  They were all in very good hands.

lumberjacks and daffodils

The last weekend of October we decided to take the family up to the cabin.  The kids had a 3-day weekend (Happy Nevada Day!) which I mistakenly thought was a 4-day weekend, so they ended up missing 1 day of school.  My high school and middle schoolers DO NOT like to miss school.  It is such a pain in the rear to get caught up on missing work so it stresses them out to a near panic-level (cough, Anna) to miss a day of school.  

We had a few purposes to accomplish this cabin weekend

O N E . . . catch a glimpse of fall.

The weather was just fantastic.  Clear & dry.  Mid-70's.  A wonderful setting to enjoy fall!

T W O . . . chop some wood 

Earlier this spring the power company came in and chopped down several large trees out back to keep things clear for the power lines.  While it looks like a mess, the logs provided an amazing natural playground for Anna.

On Saturday the boys donned their matching lumberjack shirts ($9.99 at Costco! a steal!) and went to work chopping some of the logs that had been drying out over the past few months.

They looked pretty amazing!  And they couldn't resist the urge to sing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!" over and over again.  We even found a plaid flannel shirt for Anna to wear among my mom's clothes in the closet, so that was awesome.  They chopped a bunch of wood and stacked & organized it all into the wood pile, ready for the winter.  

T H R E E . . . do all the cabin things.

Build a fire, roast hot dogs, binge watch something on Netflix, read a book, make friends with nature (Anna adopted a pet worm named Fred), visit The Red Apple for pie & apple cider donuts and drool over their pumpkin selection, hot tub, unplug (I was so proud of myself for not checking my phone!), and relax & connect.

F O U R . . . plant daffodil bulbs

Early on I knew that this weekend would coincide with the 1 month anniversary of my mom's passing.  I also knew that I wanted to do something meaningful at the cabin to honor and remember mom on this day.  I kept it on my mind for some time and finally the perfect thing came to me, ever so lightly.  Plant daffodils.

In October 2015 my mom invited a group of women to the cabin for a fall gathering and they planted something like 200 daffodil bulbs.  Check out her post detailing the event - so many wonderful details!  And then you must see the Daffodil Day she put on in Spring 2016 to celebrate the bloom.  Oh what love and beauty she puts into everything!  I would have so loved to be there.  Perspective & hindsight sure can tug at you after loss.  She would always talk to me about her gatherings and say, "I sure wish you could be there!"  Life / kids / school / distance always made it seem so incredibly difficult.  And she understood that, while at the same time wishing she could invent a transporter to get me there OR her over here in an instant. :)

It was her intention to return each fall to plant more daffodil bulbs.  Fall 2016 rolled around and her world was turned upside down when she was diagnosed with cancer.  She also missed the daffodil bloom this spring due to crummy cancer.  So, I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to come and do the fall planting for her.

I think, I hope, she was watching and smiling over us.

For lunch we went to Giant Burger and ordered milkshakes and fries.  Her favorite treat.  Nearly every time we went to the cabin or she visited us in Oregon (Burgerville) or Nevada (Freddy's) she treated the kids to milkshakes and french fries.  It was mom's favorite thing so it seemed fitting & perfect for this day.  I'm pretty sure this tradition will continue on for some of these special/anniversary days going forward.  Right now, I'm thinking through how we will remember her as these anniversaries come up.

F I V E . . . take a picture on the porch.

Because mom would have insisted on one.  

Initially, when we arrived at the cabin it felt different.  Honestly, a little empty.

Maybe it was because we were used to finding & enjoying mom's seasonal touches at the cabins.  This time, the daffodils were still on the porch in October.

Or maybe it was because she usually arrived at the cabin before us and had everything fluffed and warmed up and prepped for us, welcoming us with big squishy hugs & excitement.

Or maybe it was just seeing all the coziness of the cabin and the decor and realizing that she wouldn't be adding & changing things as she always does.  A still picture in time.

While it may have felt empty for a moment, we quickly filled it with life and the traditions of the cabin that we love and enjoy.  The cabin did its magical, therapeutic thing and we were comfortable as always.  If anything, this visit reinforced to me that we need the cabin. It feels like mom. She created this place for us to retreat, unwind, and build memories. It was her dream for us to bring our families over and over again across the years.  We need the cabin and we need it to stay exactly how it is.  Untouched, a refuge, to feel mom's love and wish for us to build happy memories.

I plan to come back often and do just that.