In October we visited the cabin and planted several dozen daffodil bulbs, adding to the large planting my mom had done 2 years previous.
Since the new year, I've been planning to make another trip to the cabin during spring break. Oh, how I hoped that by some miracle of chance the daffodils would be blooming during our visit! The weather at the cabin in the week before our visit was cold and snowy. So I lowered my expectations. But there was still a glimmer of hope.
Monday afternoon we pulled up to the cabin and what did my eyes see . . . .
Daffodils! They weren't blooming yet, but to see the green stems working their way up to the light filled me with such a thrill!
On Wednesday morning I woke up thinking about mom. It was exactly 6 months since her passing. At the cabin it is easy to think about her. Everything you see, feel, experience there . . . it just feels like a big hug. And she gave some really good hugs.
I went out to the daffodil garden and clipped the best buds I could find and gathered them in a mason jar. Later that day we cleaned and closed up the cabin and made our way toward's my parents house. But first, we stopped at the cemetery to visit mom's grave (my first time there since the funeral) and leave her with some daffodils.
The kids and I ended up sitting on the ground around her grave . . . the grass is still making feeble attempts to grow in that spot. A simple marker bears her name as we await the completion of her headstone. We talked about Christ. The resurrection. We talked about miracles and healings. Payton, who had prepared our Easter devotional that day, shared the story of Jesus raising the daughter of Jairus from the dead. We talked about trials and testimony and growth. I also remarked on what an amazing circumstance this is that we would be visiting California on the 6 month mark of mom's passing, we would get to visit her grave on that very day, the daffodils were blooming, AND it was Easter week. So many milestones and connections pulled together at once.
This Easter week really has been a meaningful time to think about the purpose death and the HOPE that is possible because of Jesus Christ. I believe and hold onto that hope with a firm grasp.
At the same time I will not hesitate to tell you how much I hate the fact that she is gone. At times I get frustrated because in my mind she should be here with us. I still need her. I miss her terribly. But I also cannot mistake or disregard the fact that I have personally grown and learned by leaps & bounds and my testimony has been strengthened & built in ways that may not have been possible, with such intensity, had it not been for this.
Life is so hard and beautiful at the same time.
I'm trying to work harder on finding the beauty. To seek out the happy & delights as she would. Everyday I get on my knees and pray for her influence & example to guide me, and I pray that I might be so blessed to have the gift of feeling her presence near.
Our Father in Heaven is kind and aware. And I am so grateful.
