find joy in the journey

mother's day letter

Many, many years ago when I first became a mom, my mom made a request.  She asked me to make a few scrapbook pages about my family each year and give them to her for Mother's Day, which she would then add ongoing scrapbook album. It was the perfect set-up.  When Mother's Day came around I didn't have to guess what she wanted. And she received a gift that was meaningful to her.

After she passed away, I felt a little lost on that first Mother's Day.  What do I do to honor her?  I remember a small conversation with a friend one day as she casually listed off her errands and to-dos which included going to the post office to mail packages for Mother's Day. My heart stung. And my hands felt empty not having something tangible to give and no one to give it to.

Around that time I was thankful to glean some inspiration from Rachel Neilson, host of the 3 in 30 podcast. Her mother passed away from breast cancer when Rachel was 19 years old.  She began a tradition of writing a letter to her mom on Mother's Day.  In the letter she shared what her family had been up to in the past year, the highs and the lows, the things she was working on & working through.  It was a way to connect with her mom, to share the stories of her life as if she were speaking to her directly.

I loved it.  So that's what I did for Mother's Day 2018. And 2019.  Writing those letters has been therapeutic and meaningful for me.

While I was writing my letter last year an idea struck me ....

This is exactly the kind of gift that I would love to receive from my kids for Mother's Day.

So I came up with a set of questions.  Specific enough to give them direction, but broad enough to leave it open ended for their own varied, personal experiences.  Yesterday I printed up the list of questions and presented my Mother's Day request to the kids.

My hope, and request, is that this is something they do every year.  I would absolutely love to have a collection of letters sharing the highlights and learning experiences and goals of their lives over time.

PDF Download: Download Mothers Day Letter

I'm excited!  And hopeful for a real letter from each kids, but even if it ends up being a bulleted list, I'm okay with that!  As I pulled this idea together a few thoughts came to my mind that may also help you as you ponder on how you can get the most out of Mother's Day.

1.  Communicate what you want.  And that is not being selfish.  So much of our hurt and disappointment in life comes from unmet expectations, so let's avoid it from the get-go!  My friend Cheryl wrote on her blog about this perfectly - Mother's Day, not Martyrs Day

2.  This kind of gift - a letter - fills my love language which leans heavily towards words of affirmation (I also love me some quality time).  What is your love language?  What is one thing that your family or your kids could do for you that would make you feel super loved on this day?

3. My kids are older and we are long past the days of Mother's Day projects at school or church.  But I still wish for something personal or handmade.  Bath and Body Works is great, but there's not a lot of heart in body lotion.  A letter, on the other hand, clearly tells me that they have put some measure of time, thought, and care into this day.

4. Scott has always done a fabulous job of rallying the troops and putting together a great Mother's Day for me.  But my kids are getting older and within a few years they will all be out of the house, on their own, and most likely far away for Mother's Day. Just as I prepare them for adulthood by teaching them to do their laundry, or cook some meals in the kitchen, I can also set them up for success with a template, a place to start when it comes to caring for & remembering the important people around them. Beginning with their mom. :)

So I ask again, what is one thing that your family, your husband, or your kids could do for you on Mother's Day that would make you feel so very loved?  When you come up with that one thing, tell them! 

light and lessons from mom : make it happen

My mom was and continues to be a wonderful example to me.  Her light and the lessons she taught by word & example, are still things that I draw upon daily to guide me through my own motherhood and womanhood.  When I approach tough situations or I'm dealing with an internal struggle my mind turns to think of what my mom would do.  And usually that is exactly the answer, comfort, or support I need to move forward.  I know that my angel mother is still guiding me.  I've been gathering these thoughts & experiences in my head since her passing a year and a half ago, I hope to share some of them here from time to time.

Look at this cute lady.  This was taken in 1980-something.  I was approaching kindergarten, Sam was a toddler, and Kent hadn't made an appearance quite yet.  And my mom is dressed for work.

My mom was the ultimate stay at home mom.  She loved being a mother. She excelled in that role.  She had firm beliefs that the greatest work a woman could ever do was in the home so that's exactly where she wanted to be.  My parents made the decision early on in their marriage to do whatever possible to ensure that my mom was at home.

Those early to mid-80's turned out to be quite a struggle for my parents.  My grandfather passed away in 1982 and his passing brought with it a wave of financial turmoil that really wouldn't be settled for another 15 years.  But those first few months and years were exceptionally trying.  When my parents tell the stories of what they faced, what suddenly became their responsibility (and liability), all during their very early 20's . . . I can't. even. imagine. the burden.

They were beyond frugal, resourceful, and held onto faith & prayer.  But there came a point when nothing was adding up and it was decided my mom needed to work.  I don't know how that decision was made or who proposed it first.  But I love the story that comes next.

After high school my mom was only able to complete one year of college before she was called home to help with her family.  She had worked a lot as a teenager -- she was a lifeguard (and twice rescued people from actual, literal drowning), she worked in a burger & shake joint, there were babysitting jobs (one job in particular -- a week long job in the "basement house" - scarred her for life - haha!), she sewed swimsuits in a sewing factory, and there is surely more that I just can't pull out of my head at the moment.  As an adult, though, she didn't have much experience outside of the teenage job scene or education to pad her resume.

What she did have was an incredible work ethic.  And she was fearless.

Also to note, we lived in a very small town in the middle of the central California valley.  The job pickings were slim.  A job listing did appear for a hotel night manager at the Holiday Inn in the neighboring (even smaller) town of Santa Nella.  Interstate 5 goes right through the middle of this "town" which is more of a truck stop than a town, really.  

She applied for the job and in her onsite interview it was clear they were not interested, due to her lack of experience.  She wasn't giving up that easily.  Oh, no. So she offered them a challenge.  "Let me work this job for one week, you don't need to pay me, and at the end of the week you can decide if I stay or go."

Fearless, right?!  

The hiring manager agreed.  What did they have to lose?  

After 1 day on the job, she was hired.

She is my hero.  What a strong woman!  She knew that her skills didn't line up on paper, but she also knew that she could learn fast, work fast, and her family needed this so she was going to make it happen.

I have vague memories of this time -- like I said, I was 4 or 5.  Because she worked at night I didn't really know she was gone.  I have a couple memories of a family friend babysitting Sam and I late at night.  I don't think she worked for the hotel terribly long -- just long enough to provide what was needed for our family to get through a rough patch.  And then she was back home with us.  And that is where she stayed for all the years I lived at home, for each of my brothers, and continuing into the years that grandkids filled her home.

Because of her example, I too, have made the commitment to be a stay at home mom.  And it has been my greatest joy.  I have loved being a stay at home mom to these kids.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  

In recent months, though, we have also felt the weight of some burdens.  And it became clear that I too needed to do something to help contribute to the family. I wrestled with this because so much of my identity & what I fundamentally believe regarding motherhood is wrapped up in being a "stay at home mom".  And I will openly admit my immense gratitude that we have been able to even make this choice for so many years -- I know that it is not possible for everyone and the idea of being at sahm is a much sought after dream & luxury for some.  The blessing of our situation for the past 18 years is not beyond me one bit.  But one day as I was out for a walk, pondering this change, in the midst of creating my own resume & scraping the bottom of the barrel for experience & qualifications, and applying for jobs which was new, scary territory . . . . 

This story of my mom suddenly popped into my head.  I felt her resilience and resolve. And I thought, mom made things happen for her family.  I can too.

And so I did.

I'm now working part-time as an English reading/writing tutor at a Title I elementary school. I come and go while my kids are at school so they don't even know I'm gone at work.  I'm on the school calendar (yay - summer & school holidays off).  I'm trying to adjust to a new schedule/routine, but we'll get there.

 

 

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A side note:  This morning I learned of the passing of one of the sweet friends my mom and I made at The Academy France.  Lynda passed away last night from cancer. Many of us from the group, myself included, had no idea she was battling this awful disease.  I'm really hating cancer (I can go on quite a tangent) for all the wonderful women that it keeps stealing from us much too early. 

At The Academy my mom connected with Lynda.  They were both the grandmas of the group.  Lynda had the cutest Texas accent and she was such a sweet, kind, creative, stylish woman. She was full of smiles, laughter, and oozed love. After my mom's passing I continued to feel her love through her comments & support on Instagram and Facebook. Even though I only knew her for a short time, she was just one of those women who felt safe and welcoming and easy to be with.

We attended The Academy 3 years ago this month.  It is crazy to think that since that time, of the 12 women who attended, 2 have passed away from cancer.  Life is so short and so precious.  (And cancer is the worst).

Lynda is the cute white-haired lady smiling with her cell phone on hand, taking pictures.

Prayers and love for Lynda's family.

two tickets to conference

This.  This is something pretty darn special right here.

I am holding in my hands 2 tickets to the Women's Session of General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints coming up in two weeks!  It is special for obvious reasons . . . we get to attend conference in the huge Conference Center in Salt Lake City.  A first for both of us!

But it is special for a few more reasons.  Let me tell you why.

When Conner turned 12 years old Scott took him to the Priesthood session of General Conference in Salt Lake City and a family tradition began.  When Payton turned 12, father & son made another trip to the Priesthood session of General Conference and many great memories were made.

Anna turned 12 last September and continuing with tradition we were able to score two tickets to General Conference and a trip to Salt Lake City was planned.  We felt so lucky to get these tickets because they aren't super easy to come by!

But then, my mom's health went down drastically, I traveled to California to be with her, and two days before General Conference . . . my mom passed away.  Obviously, those general conference tickets could no longer be used, priorities shifted, and our trip was cancelled.

As you might know, my mom and I had a tradition of yearly mother-daughter getaways.  We did 1 or 2 when I was a teen at home.  But we really started getting serious about these annual getaways after I started having kids.  It was such a treat to know that each year we would have dedicated mom-daughter time.  It strengthened our relationship, we went on some really fun adventures, it was a break from real life, and we were diligent in making sure it happened every year. 

Even as she was enduring cancer, we began planning a trip -- a fall leaves tour in Vermont the first week of October.  This mother-daughter trip would fulfill one of her long-time desires . . . see fall colors in all their splendor. Plus, through her illness we found that the act of planning, having things to look forward to, helped her so so much. I researched a bunch of fall drives, found all the covered bridges, scoped out the cutest New England villages, and even made reservations to stay in quaint little Woodstock, Vermont.  But when we reached the end of the summer 2017 and her health was not moving in a positive direction, we cancelled the trip.  

In September as I watched her body failing and slipping away from us, I was hit with the harsh reality that these mother-daughter trips had come to an end.  One day as I sat close to her bed holding her hand, I whispered in her ear while she slept -- I thanked her for all of our trips and experiences, and promised that I would continue the tradition with Anna.  Perhaps, even, we would go see the New England fall colors one day. When we do, I hope she joins us.  

. . . 

So these tickets you see right here are the beginning . . . no, rather, the continuation of something special. 

Mother & daughter time together.  Being enriched.  Strengthened. Taught. Coming closer.  Experiencing new things.  Looking for beauty and being grateful for it. 

 This will be a great trip!  I've booked a cute Airbnb on Capitol Hill, we're planning an early morning hike, fun meals, audiobooks for the drive, maybe catch a glimpse of fall colors, and of course . . . soak up General Conference!  - while writing notes in our new, beautiful, matching Conference notebooks by Work and Wonder.

mother's day notes

On Mother's Day the kids (and Scott) gave me a gift and it was wrapped in solid light blue paper over which the kids had written 35 things they like best about my 35 years of "momming."  I carefully unwrapped the gift to preserve the paper, but I'm sure at some point it will be too hard to store so I want to record their sweet notes on in this place to keep them safe for remembering.

(Their initials by each note indicates which kid wrote it.  Conner wrote 14, Payton 12, and Anna 9 notes - one for each of their years).

P - I love mom's cooking.

C - I love how mom helps us be kind and keep the commandments

A - Mom is more beautiful than anything in the world

C - I love how mom would run with me on Saturday mornings.

P - I like mom's LuLaRoe dresses

C - I love cuddling with mom

A - Mom encourages us on every step we take

C - I love how mom supports us in all of our activities (ex. Honor's choir)

A - Mom is amazing at cooking

C - I love how mom takes care of the house while we're at school

C - I love how mom takes us to church on Sundays. 

P. I love how mom helps us with biology homework

P - Mom does a good job at decorating the house

P - Mom does a great job cleaning the yard

P - She makes great Primary lessons

A - Mom is amazing at being herself

C - I love how mom goes to the store for us

A - Mom is very, very, very creative

C - I love how mom fired me from her photography

P - I love how mom hired me for her photography

P - I love how mom helps us with biology homework

C - I like how mom helps us stay focused on our homework

A - Mom is perfectly perfect in every way!

C - I love how mom sets up Valentine's day every year

P - I love how mom supports our recreational activities

P - I love mom's Christmas traditions she shares with us

C - I love how kind and caring mom is

C - I love how mom helps us keep up on long-term assignments

A - Mom is amazing at playing and teaching the piano

C - I love how mom takes us to all our activities

A - Mom is very loving and nice.

P - She loves me

P - Mom always smells nice on Sunday

C - I love mom's cooking

P - She helps me when I am having trouble

into cheeriness

A couple days a week I go for a walk/jog and right now the weather is perfect for it.  Not too hot.  Not too chilly.  While jogging on the path today I had to stop for a moment to take a picture.  What a beautiful day!  

I listen to Power of Moms podcasts while I wa-og and today there was an interesting quote that I wanted to jot down.  By Richard Paul Evans:  "Out of the dreariness, and into it's cheeriness, come we into weariness home."

This podcast was titled Plain and Simple Fun this Fall and it made me want to go home and make pumpkin chocolate chip bread and share it with the kids when they got home from school.  I didn't.  Instead I sent a few emails, delivered an anonymous you-are-loved note, and helped out at the school for a couple hours.

I thought of a message from a friend this week and nodded in agreement as she talked about needing a re-charging.  And how things aren't even all that bad, there is just stuff that always needs to be done . . . and usually it is for other people.  Which is okay - quite often that is how I CHOOSE to spend my time and it does make me happy when I can help others.  But some recharging also sounds nice.

I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mom with all of my children in school full-day so I am able to fit in some "me" time on a weekly basis -- the morning walks, pilates, religion class, and blogging here & there.  And I am thankful for that.

You know how sometimes you'll get a thought or idea, like "oh that would be fun to do sometime!"  Or "maybe when I have a free hour I really want to learn / do / make such & such."  And not because you have to, but because you want to.  I have a lot of those kinds of thoughts.  A lot of times they are fleeting.  And sometimes that free hour presents itself and I don't know what to do with myself, so it gets wasted on meaningless stuff that in no way helps to recharge my batteries.

I have a spiral notebook where I keep my running to-do list.  What if . . . I made a page in that notebook that was exclusively to-do's that were meant to fill my bucket.  Things that I know would help me feel happy, accomplished, connected with my family, creative, energized, light . . . whole.

Things like . . . . 

Bake one of my great-grandma's recipes for the first time

Slip some photos into my project life album

Call a friend

Sit down and play the piano

Plan a fun date night

Read a book

Wake up and make breakfast for the kids (we are a cereal family)

Play Just Dance while the kids are at school

Do a sewing project - and it doesn't even have to be for me (see this), because sometimes sewing is just therapeutic.

Go outside

I kinda like this plan.  Tomorrow I will turn the page in my notebook and begin jotting down these ideas.  And when that free hour comes . . . or when I find myself sucked into the computer, I will peel myself away and do something that I really want to do.  And that moves me closer to cheeriness.  

What kind of things have you been putting off that you know would help re-charge your batteries?

 

Yep, those toes.  After playing in the street barefoot.

heading to college and the 10 year plan

I love my friends.  And I love that I can easily say they are family.  We often comment that our kids are like cousins and I do feel an aunt-like love and watch-care over their kids.  So it only makes sense that we watch out for one another, text each other late at night for parenting advice, play the cheerleader, the sounding board, and help each other during transitions.

Last week I felt so lucky - SO LUCKY! - to be able to help out Jenn with one of these transitions.  Her oldest daughter Alyna just graduated from high school and is going to attend college in southern Utah.  She flew from PDX to Vegas last week and I got to pick her up - along with two very big suitcases - and drive her to St. George.  But first we made a pit stop at Purple Penguin for snow cones.  Of course.

This is one great girl.  I so enjoyed our conversation during the 2+ hour drive as she shared her thoughts and excitement on starting this new chapter.  There is apprehension about the unknown, many reality checks ahead (which she is preparing herself for), and a good dose of courage needed to be yourself in a sea of new people & experiences.  What an exciting time!

She is going to do so well and I am super proud of her for stepping out, getting involved in campus leadership (as a freshman!), and doing something that feels right for her.

I couldn't help but think of the adorable 6 year old that I met 12 years ago when we moved to St. Helens. Just a few months after we moved in we had an end-of-summer BBQ, which became a yearly tradition for about 5 years.  We invited a few families we wanted to get to know.  In the beginning it was the Waites, Cluffs, Habels . . . And the rest is history.  This photo was taken in 2004 at the 3rd annual summer BBQ - she was 8.  Isn't she cute?

I guess my point in sharing all this is . . . .

• Connections built up over a decade+ are awesome.
• Time is a crazy thing.
• Beginning to see the fruits of years of parenting (even through friends) is a wonderful blessing.

I can't help but think that in just 5 years Conner will be graduating from high school and heading to a mission and college.

And in 10 years Anna will have graduated from high school.  Yep, we are on the 10 year plan.

I don't think I can predict exactly how I will feel when it is my turn for those big transitions -- I think everyone experiences/feels it differently.  But I have enjoyed getting to be a small fly on the wall as I see my friends help their chicks leave the nest.  And I know they will be there for me when it's my turn to figure out prom, graduation, and 18 year olds who just want to move on already!

back to school shopping

Last week I took my TWO middle-schoolers back to school shopping. Yep.  This year I am going to have two kids in middle school - 6th and 8th grades!  Craziness.

After a lunch date we made our way over to the outlets.  At one store I walked up to the register with my purchase and the sales girl's eyes went big,  

"Oh my gosh you look just like Rachel!  She works here.  Ya, you could totally be her mom!"

Ouch.  Her mom?  Really?  

Thankfully, the sales girl at the next register who had been pulled into the conversation back-pedaled to help out her clueless co-worker, "Oh ya, you look like you could be her sister."  Thank you for your customer service.

But really . . . her mom?  Thanks for making me feel super old.  Yes, I know I have wrinkles and bags under my eyes.  But I'm only thirty-freaking-four years old!  I am not ready to be compared to an adult someone's mom.  Maybe I need a new haircut.

One of the items on my shopping list was church shoes for Conner.  My kids have always had pretty small feet and Conner just barely made it into men's sizes.  But holy cow, the men's shoes are a whole lot more expensive!  At least in the Sunday shoe category.  I'm talking, 60-70 bucks.  No thank you.

We went in and out of 3 different shoe stores with this same experience.  Finally we ended up at Target and I found him a pair for $29.99.  That is totally doable.  So we bought them - the last item on our 4-hour shopping excursion - and made our way home.

At home we spread out all the goods to show Scott and I told him the story of going to 4 different shoe stores to find something for Conner.  "What?!" he replied, as he stared down at Conner with the evil eye.

"I just bought you church shoes last week!  And you wore them to church!"

Oh my word.  

Apparently, over their weekend in Idaho (while I was in California) Scott had bought the needed church shoes for him.  But Conner - being 13 years old - had no recollection of this. When we did the pre-shopping inventory of his closet he even pulled out the new church shoes and told me that they were too small.  I didn't question him on it because they were identical to his previous pair that were in-fact too small.

Oh my goodness.  So in my earlier post when I told myself that I need to remember that Anna is just 8 years old . . . . I also need to remind myself more often that Conner is just 13 years old and while we may think he's able to function as a young adult, his brain is still working out the kinks.

It's a good thing I like these kids so much.

the reality of exploring the big city with an 8 year old

So my trip with Anna was pretty great.  It was a wonderful opportunity to spend some time together and explore and experience so many things.  We had fun and I loved watching her when she was happy.

But then there were the times when she was not.  And I wanted to pull my hair or spank her right there on the city streets.  (Yes, I spank my children.)

She pouted because I ordered water for her instead of lemonade.  When papa was the hero and got her the $3 drink she took one sip and was done.

She sulked because nothing at dinner in Chinatown looked good to her.  Eventually she warmed up to the idea of food, asked for bites of every dish, and stuffed herself.

At another dinner, despite the fact that she loves steak, baked potatoes, and carrots, she wouldn't touch her food, curled up in a ball, and cried later because the food was too cold.

Sometimes she didn't want to be touched, talked to, or bothered.  Which I totally understand and I'm happy to give her that space, in reason.

She ran around in the wet grass on Crissy Field and then freaked out when her shoes got soaked.

She was tired of taking pictures . . . . often.

Then there was the time we stood around and waited for her to eat a cinnamon roll to calm the wet-shoes & I'm-done-with-pictures meltdown.

Maybe I forgot that she is just 8 years old.  

 

In my mind, here we are on this grown-up trip hosted by my parents and she needs to act more respectful and thankful.  !!!

In her mind, here we are on a trip in the city where there are no chicken nuggets in sight and I just want to run around.

I know she remembers it as a great trip.  I do too!  But from time to time I need to share these vacation-reality blog posts to help me to remember what it was really like.  It's not always taffy & roses. :)

 

This little trip did help me realize a few things:

• There are some things we need to work on in the category of manners & politeness.
• Snacks & treats in my purse would have been a good idea.
• I'm glad we haven't taken our kids on a big trip yet (like, Hawaii).  Another year at least.
• Grandparents are way more patient than mothers.  Maybe they just hide it better.

friends first

On Saturday we took the kids to see Maleficent.  The kids brought their own money for popcorn & snacks and stood in front of the counter debating this important decision for quite some time.  Conner and Payton decided to pool their money together and were in serious talks about the most cost-effective options.

I loved how Conner wrapped his arm around Payton, and then pulled him close as he pointed to items on the menu.  Most of all I loved observing this simple, tender gesture which demonstrated the brotherly kindness, friendship, and trust that they have for each other.

Seeing things like this, hearing my kids get along, and watching them choose to spend time with each other -- that is what makes me happiest.

We teach our children to be kind to others, to be a friend to everyone, and we really enjoy doing activities with friends . . . . but at the same time as a mom I have never put a lot of emphasis on playdates, friend parties, carpool, etc.  

I want them to be friends first and foremost with each other. 

And when I see things like this outside the window . . . a sunscreen train . . . and hear the laughing and giggling that goes along with it, I feel pretty confident that we are establishing just that.

pre-mother's day party

Recently I had the opportunity to throw a small book launch party for Motherhood Realized.  The timing was perfect, just a few days before Mother's Day!  It gave us a chance to gather and reflect on motherhood.

And enjoy some Italian Sodas.  Mmmm.  The ladies who attended were so wonderful and brought snacks to share as well.

Every time I gather with a group of women and have the chance to get down to the meat of motherhood, womanhood, and really just listen and learn from each other . . . . I always feel so refreshed.

And then I wonder why we don't do it more often!  It can be difficult sometimes to move past the park/playgroup small talk, but when we do (with others who are tender towards & understanding of our hearts) it can be so enriching.

We need each other.  (I love this podcast on this very topic).

So I loved having this opportunity to meet with a few friends, peel back the layers a little more, realize that we have the same concerns/conversations/hopes for our kids, and just enjoy being together for an evening.

We watched several video clips of Motherhood Realized authors reading excerpts from their essays.  And we discussed what stood out to us, what we learned.

Here is one VIDEO if you'd like to take a peek!  Topics include really listening to your children in an effort to  build trust & communication lines, getting through our personal tunnels and finding light, and redefining what is a "good mom."

Before the party I sent everyone a copy of one chapter from the book (you can also get it HERE) so that we could read it ahead of time and be ready to discuss.  The essay was a good reminder that your children want you!  We don't need to compare ourselves against someone else, or try to be the unrealistic supermom that is born from everything that we see on Pinterest.  Our kids could really care less - they just want a mom who loves them and who is happy.

I love this quote from the cover of the book.  It sums it all up:

"Motherhood is rarely what we think it will be.  But when we gather with other deliberate mothers and share our most powerful perspectives -- like the ones in this book -- our mothering experiences can become even better than we hoped."  -Linda Eyre, New York Times bestselling author

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I was thrilled to find these cute printables that really pulled things together and made my party a breeze!

Italian Soda printables : Our Best Bites

Mother's Day party printables : One Charming Party

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Power of Moms has a program that can help you put together a monthly gathering just like this - Learning Circles.  It is part book group, support group, and girls' night out.  For more information on starting your own click on the button below:

it was mom

 1981 - I'm almost 2 and mom is pregnant with Sam

It was mom who taught me to wash the dishes

sing I am a Child of God

tie my shoes

say thank you when someone pays you a compliment

speak up and say hello when I saw classmates in public (I was shy)

do my hair

shave my legs

sweep and clean up the yard until it "looks like Disneyland"

how to throw a party or put on a kids' summer camp on my own (at age 11)

sort & wash my own laundry (with trial and error - there was one pair of pink jeans)

cook a meal

always look nice when going out in public

appreciate a clean home

serve and magnify my callings

try new things

look for examples of successful mothers around me and learn from them

be a light to others

put that last 3% into everything you do

live with faith

and so much more.

Happy Mother's Day, mom!

 

To everyone, enjoy this little video.  A Mother's Day Tribute to Moms:

motherhood realized

I will admit that the last few days have included some less-than-stellar motherhood moments for me.  The piano lesson that ended in tears (again), having a mom freak-out on our way out the door to school, and pushing a child through a last minute school project (which also ended in tears).

But there have been good moments too:  reading a chapter of Little House in the Big Woods to Anna at bedtime (and finding her drawing pictures of the scenes the next morning), celebrating straight A's with lots of encouragement, and staying up late to create an (optional) horsefly costume for the one line she would give in the 2nd grade play, just because I know it would make her day.

With the daily ups and downs, I have carried in the back of my mind bits of inspiration and motivation from this new book.

(photo by April Perry)

The past few weeks I have had the opportunity to read this wonderful book, Motherhood Realized : An Inspiring Anthology For The Hardest Job You'll Ever Love.

It's a collection of short essays -- popular essays which originally appeared on the Power of Moms site, but have now been gathered into one book.  I love that each essay is short - 2-3 pages - because I was able to read it in bits & pieces here and there.

Many days I sat at soccer practice reading, bookmarking, smiling, nodding, tearing up, and enjoying that warm feeling in my heart as I felt connected to these REAL moms who live REAL lives.

Some entries hit super close to home. In "Look Again" by Kortni Miller, she wrote about moving from mountains and lush green to the stifling heat and sagebrush of St. George.  Hello?!  That's me!  She couldn't stand it there, missing her mountains too much, and so she only lasted 6 months.  But that was before motherhood taught her to see life with different eyes and she learned it was a choice to bloom where you are planted.

When I became a mom, I discovered that beauty can be found in the most unexpected places and situations.  The thing about beauty is that it walks hand-in-hand with perspective, while attitude strolls closely behind. 

I also loved that each essay ends with a question and a challenge.  It is great to read something that makes you feel good.  But when you take the next step to spend a moment in thoughtful reflection and then create goals with action . . . that's when the good stuff happens.  The essay, "You're not Mean, You're Just Stressed" by Dawn Wessman ends with this question and challenge:

Question:  When was the last time you laughed or had fun?  When do you remember having fun with your parents as a child?

Challenge:  Look for ways in your daily routine to make the mundane fun for you and your children.  Trust your personality and go with it.  You don't have to try to be like the "fun" mom down the street; you'll have your own flavor.  Find a way to lessen the greatest stresses in your family, so you can have more fun. 

Most of all I loved the constant theme and reminder throughout the book that motherhood is beautiful.  It is work and it is absolutely worth it.  From "Motherhood Defies Logic" by April Perry:

Mothering children, in many circles, is being defined as madness.  It's described as mind-numbing, menial work akin to prison or slavery.  Mothers are portrayed as not having time to change the world because they're "wasting" their time in their homes.

When the beautiful, essential role of building a home and family is reduced by societal forces to be synonymous with "drudgery," tha'ts personal to me.  

And more importantly, it's personal to my four beautiful children.  How society defines motherhood often shapes how mothers define themselves.  And how we, as mothers, perceive our identity affects our children and our households at the most intimate level.

The logical arguments against deliberate motherhood can be printed in multiple languages, featured on every media outlet, and high-lighted within social media all day long.  But what we feel in our hearts and know from experience is that, however well-intentioned, these blanket statements about motherhood are simply not true.

We're not diminished by our children.  We are infused with purpose because of them.

Motherhood is hard. It's demanding, painful, and often unappreciated.  But the satisfaction I feel as a mother -- even on the longest, most discouraging, exhausting days -- far exceeds what I ever expected out of family life.

For those of us (mothers or not) who know the power of motherhood, it is our privilege to cherish it and to defend it.

I highly recommend this book for all mothers out there.  Just a wonderful message that we can all benefit from.

You can purchase this book on Amazon or at Barnes and Noble online.  Due to the huge response to this book launch, Amazon may say the book is out of stock, but you can go ahead and make your purchase now.  Amazon has assured us that your book should ship within the next couple of days.

PLUS, if you purchase the book by March 29th, go to Power of Moms (this LINK) and claim a FREE gift package which includes:

• A digital copy of the first Power of Moms book, Deliberate Motherhood
• Access to a 1 hour "Love Languages" Web Training - featuring fantastic, specific ways you can create incredible relationships with your children
• Half price on a Lifetime Learning Circles Membership

Again, go to Power of Moms to get all the details.

{I am a member of the Motherhood Realized Book Launch Team which gave me early access to the book for reading and reviewing.  All opinions are completely my own.}

lessons learned in an all you can eat buffet

Today I got to accompany a group of 7th graders from Conner's middle school to an all you can eat buffet.  All of these kids received straight A's in the 1st quarter of the school year.  I love that his school sponsors this Straight A Luncheon every single quarter of the school year.  I love that they recognize and praise these kids' hard work and achievement.

Usually I sit with Conner at lunch, but his table was full and even though he tried to make room for me I'm pretty sure the other boys did not want a mom at their table (evidenced by the fact that when I went up to his table half-way through the meal to say hi one of them said, "who is that lady?")

So I sat with some of the other moms, who I don't know.

As we began to eat I was somewhat shocked to watch as each of them spent the meal stuffing their pockets and purses with food.  Yes, really.

One had even brought ziploc baggies.  Apparently this was a regular thing that she did and she joked that she loved the challenge.

They giggled and laughed and took turns being on lookout for the buffet staff as the other would stealthily slide a handful of cookies, a chicken pita, or a slice of breakfast casserole under the table and into a tote bag.

Wow.

Now, their intention was to bring the food back for some of the middle school office staff.  But I don't see how that makes this any better.

As I sat there I thought to myself . . . . these are mothers.  Of children. What are they teaching them?

(This is especially disheartening considering the fact that before we departed for the activity the school counselor gave the kids a talk about being respectful and representing themselves and the school in a good light so the buffet will let us keep coming back.)

Sneaking food out of a buffet might seem like a small thing to some people, but I believe it goes back to core morals, values, and a belief system that mothers and fathers are supposed to instill in their children.  Mothers especially.

In all events, a mother can exert an influence unequaled by any other person in any other relationship. By the power of her example and teaching, her sons learn to respect womanhood and to incorporate discipline and high moral standards in their own lives. Her daughters learn to cultivate their own virtue and to stand up for what is right, again and again, however unpopular. A mother’s love and high expectations lead her children to act responsibly without excuses, to be serious about education and personal development, and to make ongoing contributions to the well-being of all around them. Elder Neal A. Maxwell once asked: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?”

-Quote by D. Todd Christofferson, from a talk titled "The Moral Force of Women"

I whole-heartedly believe in everything this quote says.  Also, the world is doing enough to lessen the moral authority of women, let's not do it to ourselves.   k?

Then a conversation turned to their kids' busy schedules.  They talked about their kids who are playing multiple sports, the running around, late nights, the non-existence of family dinners, etc. etc. etc.  I could see the exhaustion and frustration in one mother's face and hear it in her voice.  

"Trying to make sure your kids have a well-rounded life sure is a lot of work."  

"He has so much to do with his activities and homework that we try to ease up on him at home."  

Wow.  That one pricked my ears.

The recurring thought in my mind was . . . you have a choice.  Your children don't have to do everything.  What is the priority and what are you chasing?

We have our fair share of busy days, and cereal for dinner, and I will complain from time to time about being so busy.  But usually it's not the my-life-and-all-sense-of-balance-is-teetering-on-an-edge kind of busy. Maybe it's because we "only" have 3 kids.  Or we haven't entered the teen / high school years.  Maybe, we'll see.  But we have tried to be deliberate in our choices up to this point, and we plan to continue saying "no" to some good activites because overall we want to preserve adequate time for . . . . 

• family - time together, for teaching/serving/growing/learning
• opportunities to fulfill household responsibilities
• schoolwork

I feel so thankful to have the counsel of wise church leaders who help my family as we makes choices about how to spend our time.  This quote in particular, always sits in the back of my mind and I often come back to it.

We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform.

-The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

If the things we are choosing to particpate in begin to displace those of highest priority, then we know that changes need to be made.

While I think it's great for a kid to be exposed to new experiences, activities, & people, and to find something they are good at and enjoy doing (I will definitely encourage my kids to do this) . . . . . I don't think that these things are going to make your child into a well-rounded person.  I believe that the experiences at home with family, learning and working together, will do far more for a child and will play a bigger role in solidifying their core values, their self-worth, and who they will be when they go out into this world than any experience they can gain from a team or club.

Preserve time for family.  

{{ I love this crew. }}

Here's another great talk about choices and priorities:  Good, Better, Best

Photos by Chris Jenkins Photography 

deliberate motherhood

de-lib-er-ate (adjective):  done consciously and intentionally

everyday moment:  I took some time before church to gather the kids around the piano and practice a song that they will sing at Anna's baptism in a few weeks.

intention:  I want the kids to love and understand music.  And I want them to participate in continuing a tradition.

everyday moment: I sent the kids outside to play on a warm Saturday afternoon.  Later when I checked on them I found them all sitting in the shade, hunkered around Conner's iPod screen.  From the garage I grabbed a street hockey net (still in the box) and handed it to them, "put this together and play."

intention:  I want the kids to learn how to work together.  I want them to have practical knowledge of how to build things by following directions.  I want them to remember that playing together is more fun than playing with a video screen.

everyday moment: Walking home from school.  Holding Payton's hand.

intention: Even though the school pick-up rounds are time-consuming, I choose to do it this way because I want those extra moments in the car and on the walking path, away from distractions (toys, snacks, friends), to hear about their day, talk, laugh, connect, and hold hands.  (I am thankful that our location & schedule allows for me to do this . . . I know that not everyone can.)

Recently I received a copy of this wonderful book in the mail.

It is a collection of stories, ideas, and motivating principles compiled by the great women at Power of Moms.  Earlier this year I attended a Power of Moms retreat and had such a good time.  Having this book in my hands suddenly reminded me of all that I learned there.

As I look back, I think the biggest take-away for me was simply getting to spend an entire day thinking about what I want for my family.  And deciding that I should spend regular time thinking about my intentions, purposes, and goals.  How do I want to mother?  What do I want my children to learn & remember?

I love LOVE the term "deliberate motherhood".  In the book's introduction, Co-Directors of Power of Moms April and Saren, define this:

" . . . it means that you really think about what you do as a mom.  You really care about your family and want the best for them. Plus you want to learn and grow and develop yourself as a person through the experience of motherhood.  You live life purposefully. You embrace what you uniquely bring to your family."

I think that is perfect!  I want to be a deliberate mother.  And I want to surround myself with women who are striving to be deliberate mothers as well.

Above I shared a few moments and routines in which I feel like I am mothering deliberately.  Making mindful choices with a purpose at heart.  But I know that there are many moments and many days that pass by in a blur where I feel more like a deliberate zombie than a deliberate mother.

It happens.

And then I realize that I have the ability to do better.  I am the mother.

"Living deliberately means that we need to acknowledge that we are in a mothering phase of life.  That doesn't mean that we can't or shouldn't do anything else.  However, we don't want to wish our mothering years away."  page 90-91, Deliberate Motherhood

I love the back cover of the book . . . 

It is not about perfection.  It is not about decorating birthday cakes, sewing halloween costumes, or being the most on-the-ball classroom mom.  It is about discovering the talents, skills, heart, and strength that is unique to each of us . . . . and utilizing this power to create a life in which your family can love and thrive.

"The power of mothering and living with intention is having a vision for our lives and key relationships.  It is refusing to live in a constant reactionary state.  It is choosing to have control over our responses even when we cannot control the causes.  It is making a mistake; as we do daily, even hourly; and regrouping, dusting off, and starting again.  It is knowing who we are and lining up our doing and being with the glory of our possibilities."  - p.100, Deliberate Motherhood

Love that last line.

I would love to share a copy of this book with one of you.  To enter this GIVEAWAY, just leave a comment on this post.  Sorry, this is for US residents only.  I will randomly select a winner and announce the name next Monday (September 30).  

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If you would like to purchase this book yourself, Power of Moms is offering a special during the month of September.

For anyone who purchases the book in September and sends their receipt (or an email acknowledging purchase) to [email protected], they’ll receive complimentary access to the Deliberate Mothering Podcast series (valued at $20). Also, on October 4^th, 10 Grand Prize Winners will be selected to receive the Power of Moms Premium Package (valued at $224)!  For all the information on this special giveaway, visit THIS LINK

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I received this book at no cost.  This review and all opinions are completely my own.  Additionally, I am an affiliate member which means if you click the banner below and purchase any products I will receive a small comission.

the sand tantrum

I will state that for the majority of our 3 week road trip the kids were fabulous.  Like, really really good.  Happy, cooperative, fun.  But there is no possible way to get through a vacation like this without a few "moments".

There was an incident involving a bee in the van and based on my kids' reactions it was pretty much akin to having a serial killer in the van.  Payton was getting hurt, like, all the time.  I got angry while driving and was unable to control the volume of my voice.  There was the time that someone (Payton) said, "it's been such a long time since we've done something fun" and I just about blew a gasket.

And then there was the sand tantrum.

Remember my post about Cannon Beach?  We had a great time on the sand.  The kids were running, playing, shoes off, building sand castles, no cares in the world.  But as soon as we began the walk back to the street some kind of switch flipped in 2 of my children (Payton & Anna) and suddenly the sand was killing them.  Like, literally causing bodily harm and trauma.

And the thought of putting their shoes back on . . . . that was when paranoia set in.

Jenn led us to a nifty hose and took on the task of spraying off all the kids' feet and shoes.  But it was no good.  We all know that being wet and sandy is just a part of going to the beach -- we've been to the beach dozens of times!  The other 10 children were fine with it, but for some reason these two just flipped. out.

The group started walking ahead and I stayed back with my 2 wailing children.  Wailing.  Seriously, you are 7 and 10 years old?!  I told them, in a surprisingly calm voice, that the group was leaving us, they were being ridiculous (it's called the beach!), and if they wanted any chance at some taffy they needed to start walking pronto.

So we started walking, they were whining and crying, (really it was embarrassing) and I had had enough so I announced, "okay, you both get no candy."

And then . . . . and then.  This is where it really fell apart.  Payton touched his face and "got sand in his eye".  "I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!"

Really, he's yelling "I'm blind" as he wails and stumbles with his arms out-stretched as I drag him down main street.  What a sight.  People passed by with sympathetic faces, others with concerned faces.  But me, at this point I've detached myself from the crazy and I'm just straight-faced moving forward, one child in each hand, making our way towards the candy store (where the group is shopping).

When we got to the store I stood outside with Payton & Anna.  They were not getting candy so they were not allowed to go inside.  Plus, they hadn't stopped crying so I didn't want to subject the other customers to that.  Payton was still "blind", but eventually I convinced him to let me wipe his eyes with my sweater and miraculously he could see again.  

So I made them a deal.  If you can calm down, and stop this craziness, we can go in the store and you can pick out 5 pieces of taffy.  (Conner was inside picking out 15 pieces - the reward for good behavior).

Finally, the cries fell to a few heavy, breathy sobs, then to a whimper, and eventually, miraculously, Payton composed himself enough to go inside.

Anna was still caught up in her emotions.  I stayed outside with her and tried to convince her to calm down and come inside, but she spouted off some angry words so I said, "Fine.  You stay out here in the rain.  I'm going inside.  You can join us when you have calmed down and you are ready to apologize."

From indoors I found a spot to watch her through the window (no need to call CPS, I didn't abandon my child).  But I did take pictures.

5-7 minutes passed and she joined us inside.  Calm now.  And she apologized.  

So I gave her the green light on taffy.

Immediately Anna turns to me and says, "Can I have some different candy?"

No.  The deal was 5 pieces of taffy and that's it.

"But can I have some of those jelly beans."

Anna, I told you that you could come in here and choose 5 pieces of taffy.  Nothing else.  If you challenge me on this one more time you get nothing.

Short pause.  "But can I have . . . . "

Okay, you get nothing.

And then I watched a look of shock and surprise wash over her face as she stood still in her tracks.  There were no more words, and she knew it.

So why am I sharing this story?  I don't know, other than it was a horrid experience placed smack in the middle of an otherwise great day.  Ha!  And I felt like it has been a while since I've shared some "real" mothering stories on this blog.  I try to keep things positive, but real in this space.  I think the last few months with the crazy of getting through the school year, I haven't had the mental energy to share the messy parts. . . . Slap some pictures up there, add some cute journaling, done. 

Motherhood doesn't get any easier as they get older.  As a young mom I thought it might.  But no, it just gets different.  It changes.  Different battles, a different kind of intensity . . . 

At the same time, some things stay the same.  It's still possible for a 10 year old to have a huge meltdown in public.  I'm still bribing with candy.  And I still love them, even when they drive me absolutely crazy!