Just look at these cute boys.
This was taken on Payton's 16th birthday last week. You know what he chose to do on this milestone birthday? Go on his first date! Yep, he asked a girl out and with Conner's help he organized a group date of 3 couples. They met at our house for dinner - a taco bar! - played games, watched Groundhog's Day (because it happened to be actual Groundhog Day, February 2nd), and went out for shakes at Steak & Shake.
When the boys walked in the door after taking the girls home, I couldn't believe the amount of energy & excitement they were vibing. Payton was on a HIGH! "That was fantastic!" And I can't tell you how happy that made me! They gave me the full date report and I had to actually stop Payton so I could grab a pen and quickly write down this quote while laughing uncontrollably: "I thought that playing video games would be a great way to spend my birthday, but, wow, this was epic!"
And Conner, "You're always on a high after a date -- after being with girls that long."
Oh, boys!
But seriously, this makes me so so happy. We have coached & encouraged the boys since they were young teens that dating would be part of their teen years. At the right time. We want them to have these fun social experiences, date lots of different people, know how to pay attention to & engage in conversation with girls, practice their manners & chivalry, and learn important social skills. We've been proud of Conner for dating often and have received feedback from moms of girls who so appreciate him making this effort.
As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are fortunate to have have some wonderful counsel, guidelines, and standards when it comes to dating. We have used this counsel from leaders of our church to guide our boys through the dating years (welcome, Payton!). These dating standards are found in a little booklet called, "For The Strength of Youth" -- which is truly an amazing guide for teens on a wide variety of topics. And frankly, adults too!
I wanted to sit down and write about our dating rules and standards and realized that the best way to do that is to share the Dating section of For the Strength of Youth and interject with our own thoughts, rules, experiences that go along with it.
A date is a planned activity that allows a young man and a young woman to get to know each other better.
In cultures where dating is acceptable, it can help you learn and practice social skills, develop friendships, have wholesome fun, and eventually find an eternal companion.
Yes to all of that! Again, as we have coached & encouraged our kids from their early teen years we stress that the purpose of dating in high school is to have fun!, interact with lots of different people, and learn those social skills. It's also a primer for identifying the things they do/don't like in different people so they can eventually make those decisions for marriage. Way, way down the road. :) In our opinion, dating in high school is not about making love connections.
You should not date until you are at least 16 years old.
Both Payton & Conner did not go on their first date until they were 16. Scott & I also followed this guideline as teens. I just think it is so so smart.
When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples.
When our kids date, they must go out in groups. It's just smart. There is strength - and safety - in numbers. We made some exceptions to this rule once Conner turned 18. He was allowed to go on a single date with a girl as long as there was a planned activity with a purpose. None of this aimlessly hanging out stuff.
Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person.
We established a rule that our boys can only ask the same girl out on a date twice in a row. If they want to go out with that same girl a third time, they have to first take a break and go on a date with a different girl. I hope that makes sense . . .
For example: 1st date with Julie -- 2nd date with Julie -- mix it up and go on a date with Karen -- THEN, he can go on a date with Julie again.
Conner ran into this a little bit. And he was completely honest with the first girl & explained the family rules. She completely understood (and I think her parents were grateful), and was excited when he circled back to ask her out again.
Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality. Invite your parents to become acquainted with those you date.
Choose to date only those who have high moral standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards.
For us, this generally means that our kids are going to date other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know that people in our Church do not hold a solitary claim on high moral standards, and Conner has even gone out on one date with someone who is not in our church. But an incredibly important aspect of our religion is marriage in the temple and that can only happen with someone who is a member of our faith. So, following the true statement that "you marry who you date", we encourage our kids to only date members of our church.
Remember that a young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to protect each other’s honor and virtue.
Plan dating activities that are safe, positive, and inexpensive and that will help you get to know each other.
Go only to places where you can maintain your standards and remain close to the Spirit.
I love watching these kids date because it's not serious. It's just playful & wholesome as it should be. They are truly out there just having fun! Dating looks like: game night, a chocolate tasting class, visiting city fairs & events, karaoke, hiking, going out for breakfast, miniature golf, bowling, ceramic painting, laser tag, etc. Inexpensive, positive, and fun. There are curfews. And again, being in a group increases the odds that everyone will maintain their standards.
Young men generally take the initiative in asking for and planning dates.
I know this can be a scary thing for a lot of boys. And honestly, the biggest challenge of dating my boys have encountered is finding OTHER BOYS who were willing to go out on group dates! Now, I'm sure my boys get those nerves when they pick up that phone or approach that girl facet to face at school/seminary (note: do not ask a girl out via text! So tacky and you're missing out on so many important social skills) . . . but I think that talking about it so much in the years before 16, and prepping them for the reality that yes, this is something you are going to do, has made dating (and all the things that go along with it) a given. Expected. And so they are planning on it. We tell them - and they will now tell others with a feeling of responsibility - that it is their priesthood duty to ask girls out on dates. It's hard to be a girl who has been looking forward to dating and when you reach that 16 milestone, no one asks you out. Their priesthood duty is to ask those girls out AND most importantly, make sure they are treating them with respect, providing a safe & fun environment, and honoring those girls as they should.
So, the one piece of advice I would give to other moms of boys is to prepare your boys for dating, get them excited, and encourage them to make it priority. The girls are relying on him. And honestly, some boy who is desperate for a wingman needs him!
After Payton's first date he said, "I don't understand why more guys don't date. It's so much fun!"
Always be kind and respectful when you ask for a date or when you accept or decline one.
While on a date, be courteous as you listen to others and express your own feelings.
Payton expressed that his favorite thing about dating, and the thing that made him feel so great, was the conversation. Being able to talk about things they both liked. Feeling like he had something to contribute to the conversation. This is a testament to the power of real, in person, connection. Our kids need so much more of this in their lives!
When it comes to picking up the girl for a date, our boys have been trained to do a thorough door greeting. They ask to meet her parents, shake hands, introduce themselves, and thank mom/dad for letting their daughter go out with him. They tell mom/dad what the plans are for the night and then ask, "what time would you like her home?" Again, so many important social skills happening here. And just plain manners and courtesy.
The kindness & respect that is suggested when accepting a date should also continue after the date and how they speak of one other to their friends. I have been disappointed to hear girls talk poorly of boys, in a mocking way, who were really just trying to give their best effort. As a mother of boys, it makes me quite sad, because I know how much courage it takes for those boys to first ask, and then try to provide a fun evening for those girls. Yep, it might be awkward at times, but they (boys & the girls) are all just learning.
I know for a fact that my boys have never, and would never, speak that way about the girls they have dated. Kindness and respect needs to go both ways.
As you enter your adult years, make dating and marriage a high priority.
Seek a companion who is worthy to go to the temple to be sealed to you for time and all eternity.
Marrying in the temple and creating an eternal family are essential in God’s plan of happiness.
Oh, these teen years - and dating - can be a very tricky thing. I'm so so grateful that we have this counsel from our church leaders. It really does help to have a guideline that we can teach our kids. It is put in place to protect them. I think there is so much that is thrown at them - expectations that are shown through teen movies, social media, walking the hallways at high school!, etc. that try to tell them they have to be a serious relationship, that they should reach certain levels of affection & intimacy or they just aren't normal.
Those things are so false. Those people would try to tell them that they are missing out.
Lies.
In fact, these standards allow them to experience so much more! So many wonderful things as they build friendships, connections, in a safe, positive, enriching way. I could go on an on.
I love watching these teen years unfold. I love seeing them dip their toes into the world of dating. I'm glad that I have such good boys who follow these standards because they want to. They are honorable, kind, and someday will each make one girl very happy. But for now, they get to practice and have some wholesome, and at times awkward, fun.
